Car Accident !!! BAD!!!!! (and other stuff to make us laugh)

Discussion in 'TRIBE Main Forum' started by Klubmasta Will, Jan 16, 2002.

  1. Klubmasta Will

    Klubmasta Will TRIBE Member

    i'm not usually one for email forwards but this one made me laugh pretty hard: [​IMG]

    Many people who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms.

    The following quotes were taken from actual insurance forms:

    Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

    I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

    I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

    The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

    In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscurring my vision. I did not see the other car.

    I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

    I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

    To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

    I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

    I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

    The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

    I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.

    The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

    I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

    -------------------------

    If you have any funny forwards or good jokes, post 'em here. [​IMG]
     
  2. stir-fry

    stir-fry TRIBE Member

     
  3. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the annoying arrows, but I am not going through and erasing them all.

    > > > > >Modern Male Etiquette
    > > > > >
    > > > > >1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
    legally
    > > killed
    > > > > >and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
    > father,
    > > > > >shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and
    should
    > not
    > > > > >provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
    whereabouts.
    You
    > > are
    > > > > >permitted to deny his very existence.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
    must
    bail
    > a
    > > > > >friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
    > without
    > > > > >recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed
    to
    > call,
    > > > > >"Bullshit!" Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the
    allowable
    > > > > >exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
    > > > > >off-limits forever.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
    who's
    > > > > >running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to
    wait 10
    > > > > >minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
    1-10
    > > scale.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
    refrigerator
    is
    > > > > >forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
    another
    > man.
    > > > > >In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
    optional
    > and
    > > > > >slightly gay.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your
    buddy
    is
    > > > > >trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
    carried
    > away
    > > > with
    > > > >
    > > > > >your good deed and end up going too far with the beast, your
    pal is
    > > > > >forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
    > permission
    > > > > >and he, in return, is required to grant it.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
    treated as
    > > spies
    > > > > >until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
    pick
    > a
    > > > > >buffalo wing clean.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't
    see
    > > > > >nothin'.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
    beer.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends
    within
    30
    > > > > >minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice
    with her
    > gal
    > > > > >pals' significant dickheads. Low-level sports bonding is all
    the
    law
    > > > > >requires.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
    you may
    > > > > >always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
    never ask
    > > who's
    > > > > >playing.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick-drink only when
    > you're
    > > > > >sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
    > > > > >supermodel... and it's free.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
    must
    > > > > >remain sober enough to fight.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned or too drunk to
    fight, you
    > > must
    > > > > >jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24
    > > > > >hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy
    needs is
    a
    > > > > >good ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
    > > lifting:
    > > > > >
    > > > > > "Yeah, baby, push it!"
    > > > > > "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
    > > > > > "Another set and we can hit the showers."
    > > > > > "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"
    > > > > >
    > > > > >25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
    slice of
    > > > > >pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
    referring
    > to
    > > > his
    > > > >
    > > > > >beer.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
    when
    > > > > >she's withholding sex pending your response.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
    > footing,
    > > > > >such as both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
    > > situations,
    > > > a
    > > > > >nod is all the conversation you need.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
    you
    may
    > > > > >not join him. Too gay.
    > > > > >
    > > > > >30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you
    must
    > > > > >attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet,
    look
    you
    > in
    > > > the
    > > > >
    > > > > >eye, and deliver a "Fuck Off!" You are absolved of your
    > responsibility.
    > > > > >
     
  4. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    Old one, but I just got it yet again:

    > > > > > > > PONDER THESE
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Did you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
    apiece
    > on
    > > > > > > > those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
    > > backwards.
    > > > > > > > NAIVE
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
    making a
    > > > > > > > peeing section in a swimming pool?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
    "Jags"
    and
    > > > > > > > the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what
    does
    > that
    > > > > make
    > > > >
    > > > > > > > the Tennessee Titans ?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that
    mean
    > that
    > > > > > > > one enjoys it?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > There are three religious truths:
    > > > > > > > 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
    > > > > > > > Messiah.
    > > > > > > > 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
    > > > > > > > of the Christian faith.
    > > > > > > > 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
    > > > > > > > liquor store or at Hooters.
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
    several
    > times,
    > > > > > > > does he become disoriented?
    > > > > > > > If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
    from
    > > > > > > > Holland called Holes?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
    adultery?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? (<--
    > > > > > > > my favorite)!
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
    you
    put
    > > > > > > > your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Why is the man who invests all your money called a
    broker?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they
    just
    > stale
    > > > > > > > bread to begin with?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Why is a person who plays the piano called a
    > > > > > > > pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a
    racist?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
    doesn't it
    > > > > > > > follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
    denoted,
    > > > > cowboys
    > > > >
    > > > > > > > deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
    dry
    > > cleaners
    > > > > > > > depressed?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
    UP?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > What hair color do they put on the driver's
    > > > > > > > licenses of bald men?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
    little
    > > > > > > > spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
    use?
    > > > > > > > Toothpicks?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
    Office?
    > What
    > > > > > > > are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they
    just put
    > > their
    > > > > > > > pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
    for
    them
    > > > > while
    > > > >
    > > > > > > > they deliver the mail?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > If it's true that we are here to help others, then
    > > > > > > > what exactly are the others here for?
    > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > You never really learn to swear until you learn to
    drive!


    [​IMG]d
     
  5. pr0nstar

    pr0nstar TRIBE Member

    I fucking hate >>>>'s
     
  6. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    me too, but what am i supposed to do? That's how I got em.


    [​IMG]d
     
  7. stir-fry

    stir-fry TRIBE Member

    you can cut and past the email into wordpad and replace ">"'s with ""'s
    [​IMG]
     
  8. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    BTW, why do <<<<<<< appear on many email forwards? Anyone, anyone?

    [​IMG]d
     
  9. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    Yeah, in Word too. Course, I'm at work, and that takes more time - gotta do some actual work around here!

    [​IMG]


    [​IMG]d
     
  10. Vidman

    Vidman TRIBE Member

    In windoze click START, RUN, type WRITE hit <enter>, paste the email inside the empty docment, go to EDIT, REPLACE.., in the first box put ">", leave the second one blank, click REPLACE ALL.

    Done.
     
  11. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    Sigh.


    I'll remember that..... [​IMG]

    Anyways, I can read it fine.

    [​IMG]d
     
  12. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    Modern Male Etiquette

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

    2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
    legally
    killed
    and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

    4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
    father,
    shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and
    should
    not
    provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
    whereabouts.
    You
    are
    permitted to deny his very existence.

    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
    must
    bail
    a
    friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
    without
    recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed
    to
    call,
    "Bullshit!" Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the
    allowable
    exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

    7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
    off-limits forever.

    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
    who's
    running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to
    wait 10
    minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
    1-10
    scale.

    9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
    refrigerator
    is
    forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
    another
    man.
    In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
    optional
    and
    slightly gay.

    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your
    buddy
    is
    trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
    carried
    away
    with

    your good deed and end up going too far with the beast, your
    pal is
    forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

    12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
    permission
    and he, in return, is required to grant it.

    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
    treated as
    spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
    pick
    a
    buffalo wing clean.

    14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't
    see
    nothin'.

    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
    beer.

    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

    17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends
    within
    30
    minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice
    with her
    gal
    pals' significant dickheads. Low-level sports bonding is all
    the
    law
    requires.

    18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
    you may
    always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
    never ask
    who's
    playing.

    20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick-drink only when
    you're
    sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
    supermodel... and it's free.

    21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
    must
    remain sober enough to fight.

    23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned or too drunk to
    fight, you
    must
    jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24
    hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy
    needs is
    a
    good ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy.

    24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
    lifting:

    "Yeah, baby, push it!"
    "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
    "Another set and we can hit the showers."
    "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

    25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
    slice of
    pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

    26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
    referring
    to
    his

    beer.

    27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
    when
    she's withholding sex pending your response.

    28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
    footing,
    such as both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
    situations,
    a
    nod is all the conversation you need.

    29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
    you
    may
    not join him. Too gay.

    30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you
    must
    attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet,
    look
    you
    in
    the

    eye, and deliver a "Fuck Off!" You are absolved of your
    responsibility.



    [​IMG]d
     
  13. LoopeD

    LoopeD Well-Known Member

    PONDER THESE


    Did you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
    apiece
    on
    those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
    backwards.
    NAIVE

    Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
    making a
    peeing section in a swimming pool?

    OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
    "Jags"
    and
    the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what
    does
    that
    make

    the Tennessee Titans ?

    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that
    mean
    that
    one enjoys it?

    There are three religious truths:
    1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
    Messiah.
    2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
    of the Christian faith.
    3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
    liquor store or at Hooters.

    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
    several
    times,
    does he become disoriented?
    If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
    from
    Holland called Holes?

    Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
    adultery?

    If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? (<--
    my favorite)!

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
    you
    put
    your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a
    broker?

    Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they
    just
    stale
    bread to begin with?

    Why is a person who plays the piano called a
    pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a
    racist?

    Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
    doesn't it
    follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
    denoted,
    cowboys

    deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
    dry
    cleaners
    depressed?

    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
    UP?

    Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    What hair color do they put on the driver's
    licenses of bald men?

    I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
    little
    spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
    use?
    Toothpicks?

    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
    Office?
    What
    are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they
    just put
    their
    pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
    for
    them
    while

    they deliver the mail?

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then
    what exactly are the others here for?

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to
    drive!


    [​IMG]d
     
  14. KiFe

    KiFe TRIBE Member

    They show you the amount of times that >>'s line was quoted or forwarded.

    first replies come back with one > and so on.

    [​IMG]
     
  15. Rosey

    Rosey TRIBE Member

    yes. the lipton-unilever empire makes many products, including coffee, which are supplied free of charge (or discounted) to employees in the comfortable break rooms.
     
  16. kodos

    kodos TRIBE Member

    always with the sports...
     

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